She asks me how bad the homesickness is and I tell her it’s nonexistent.
Until the next Friday night, when I rack my brain for someone in the same time zone to call.
How long will it take to make Friday-night-kind-of friends?
It was only three months before when he brought the car to a stop and told me I didn’t look well. “It’s just the stress of the move,” I tell him. “It’ll be better in a month.”
I let the time pass.
But I find that waiting is not a cure. It’s simply the current that brings you into another pool of time–and there will be deeper waters and darker shadows there too.
She calls me that Friday night and asks how you get to the point in grief where you can get off the couch. And I don’t know the right answer. I only know that there have been times where I’ve used time like it’s the only antidote at my disposal.
“I wish I could just know,” I remember her telling me. And I agree. If only there was a way to just know whether he’s the right person to marry, then you could skip the dull ache of anxiety in the years of not knowing if all this is going to end in pain.
But you’d also the skip the buildup of wisdom.
It’s after our second date that I sit on the couch with palms open and wonder if there will ever be a day when I will move gracefully into waiting.
Maybe the best way to grow is to not grow tired of waiting.
But to use it to push away the long, dying branches of self-reliance.
Maybe the best way not to drown in the deep waters of waiting is not found in avoiding the shoreline, but in learning to swim.
“I wouldn’t have prayed about this decision if I wasn’t forced into the paralyzing position of not knowing what was going to happen,” I tell her in the middle of it all.
Because waiting is the best way to remember that we cannot and will not and do not know what the future holds.
And that’s okay. It’s okay to not know.
It’s okay to be forced to live without answers for a long time.
Because the past has shown the proof of Faithful Answers.
And how the darkest days are also the shortest days. And how the days of not knowing lead to a greater knowledge of the One who knows everything. And how days in the shadow of grief highlight the hope for better things. And hope leads back to Him.
And He is the Beginning and the End. And every question is as good as answered because time is all the same to Him.